The Day That Killed Penis

We all love sex ed, you girls can pretend to be grossed out all you like but theres not a soul on earth who doesn't enjoy watching a teacher squirm at the thought of explaining sex to a class full of 'Inocent' children. I use the term inocent loosely becuase due to the fact I went, and still go, to a public school means that I knew the ins and the outs of sex, or as we used to call it back then 'Doing it' before I was able to multiply... Anway thats enough about my warped school life, time to talk about the issue at hand, Sexual Education.

The first sign of this glorious time of year is the letter sent home to warn parents incase they want to clear up any lies they answered to their sweet little child when he innocently chimed 'Where do babies come from?'. Then rumors start to fly, what we'll be doing this time, will we get to put a condom on a banana or watch some disturbing video presentation about the genitals. Then the boys, and come girls you do it to, count down the days until the big event.

The classroom is noisey alight with excitment and anticipation at the lesson to come, the teacher enters and puts on a slide show about drugs and alchohol, damn do you wish you'd read that letter and you'd know when the correct date is...

Then when the actual day comes all is loud until the teacher comes in and their is a silence so quiet, its almost silent... Yes, that was on purpose... She shuffles awkwardly to the front stammers something about the penis and presses the play button on the 1950's masturbation gives you hairy palms video. Thats what you expect, thats what you love and generally thats what you get, but oh no did one teacher have to go and ruin it for us...

Her name was Mrs.... Wait I can't say that on here.... Anyway she strode confidently to the front and said one word "Penis" there were fits of giggles from around the room and she looked over us disaprovingly and bellowed "I'm going to keep saying these words until there not funny anymore... Penis!" more giggles "Penis" again more giggles "Penis" less giggles this time "Penis" A few people giggled "Penis" just me and a few others giggled "Penis" just I giggled... "Penis" I gave up... Silence... She went through this with Vagina, Scrotum, Testicals, Pubes, Breasts and the lot effectively spoiling half of my favorite words...

Then came the day when we were supposed to be putting condoms on a polysterine penis (No giggles please) but she said that she didn't want to spoil our innocence by doing this with us, she thought we wouldn't know what a condom was, did she not know what kind of school she worked at? Anyway that was the teacher who destroyed sex ed for me... Shame really, lifes not worth living anymore, well... Have a great day!

The Foot Grater

Well I had just sat down to watch a nice few episodes of family guy when I really wierd advert caught my eye which I just had to tell all of you lovely people about. We've all seen those strange adverts such as the recent 'Up your viva' advert with features two remarkabley ugly people shouting 'Up your viva' at each other down a phone... What a lovely way to spend a saturday. We've also probably all seen the sort of adverts that just want you to spend seven monthly instalments of only 19.95, yes thats only 19.95 act now and recieve your free useless gimic with a retail value of 20:95! Yes thats only 19.95! Can you believe it 19.95... ORDER NOW!

Well this advert was one of those, the first image was of a perfectly sensored naked lady rubbing her foot with a small white oval, then a deep voice boomed out above the sound of flesh being scraped from bone and said "Order your foot gratter today!" Yes, this device was an oval cheese gratter to be used on your feet. Finally something for the man that doesn't wash and whos shoe size has increased by 5 due to all of the cheese stuck to his foot! I can't belive they didn't think of it sooner! If I order it now I can recieve a free arm aputation kit! And its only 1999.95 plus 2134.89 postage and packing and a completely volentary 65.11 tip! So I got up walked over to the phone to order the miracle that I could use to harvest edible substanced from the soles of my feet and the lady on the other end said in her haggard, obviously tired of life voice "Hello, this is the dry skin remover egg hotline, how may I help you?" I was wondering what this dry skin remover was, but I had to act fast while stocks last so I cut to the chase and asked the lady if she had any foot cheese removers left, she said there was no such thing so I explained the advert to her and she told me that it was used to get old dry skin from your feet, not delicous cheese... So I slammed down the phone in outrage, damn false advertising...

If you've seen any stupid adverts on tv, the radio, websites, on the sides of buses or in a game please leave a comment, and as always, Have a great day!

The Civic Bonfire

Tonight I have been to a Civic Bonfire, now does anyone know what makes it Civic? I don't either... Anway first we arrived there and had to park about five miles down the road, we got out the car and walked down the road there was a man on a motorbike coming down the road, nothing unusual about it he wasn't speeding or anything then this old lady pulled right in front of him and the man slammed into the side of her car, he went flying and landed with a crunch, my mum screamed 'OH MY GOD' at the top of her lungs and the mans bike skidded across the road breaking into little pieces as it went, then man lay there for a few seconds then I saw his arm to twitch and heard him say 'Son of a bitch...' Thank god, he was alive. The old lady stepped out of her car and pottered over to the man who had just stood up she said in her tiny old frail voice "Are you alright duck?" she spoke like she had trodden on his toe not slammed him with her people carrier... He shouted "Alright! Alright? I'm lucky i'm alive!" he looked like he was going to headbut her, but sadly he didn't, wow that sounded cruel I didn't mean it to come out like that, anyway in a state of shock me and family moved on so we wouldn't miss the fireworks.

Fat chance of that happening we got to the bonfire and the actual fire wasn't even lit yet, there was just a big stack of industrial pallets with a stuffed guy on top, we sat for 45 minutes in the freezing cold while a gang of drunk twelve year olds stood next to us swore and passed fags around... Oh the joys of our area... Then a obviously intoxicated girl staggered over to me and asked if she could take a picture with me, naturally I was flattered but she did look somewhat like road kill so I politely declined... Then the fire was lit, it went up like nothing I'd ever seen, the whole thing a towering inferno in seconds, the heat was so intencely blistering we all had to run backwards clutching out faces because of they were being melted clean off. After another half an hour the fire started to die down and we were all rubbing our sore red faces.

It was now an hour since we had arrived and we had already seen a car crash and a bonfire come and go and yet no fireworks, I was starting to get impatient, I stood rubbing my hands together for warmth as more stoned, smashes and stupid teenagers fell over and slammed up against me. Then over the awful music (Featuring such crap as Amorillo, Barbie Girl, The Final Countdown, Simply The Best, Poker Face and of course The Makerena) came the announcment, "Now theres only ONE MORE HOUR until the fireworks begin" a wave of moans swept through the crowd through the cold, the hammered, the young, the old, the burn't and the suicidal...

After another hour of intence boredom and sever frost related numbness in all my limbs the intercom sounded again over the horrendous tunes and this time it said "Due to a change in wing direction I need you to all move east-wards" No one knew which way east was and it took another thirty minutes to herd all the idiots that way, then, finally the fireworks began, they came thick and fast, loud and colourful. They exploded in dozens and trios and in there hundreds. They screeched and twirled and boomed in a lovley display of colours and smoke. Through out the display I couldn't help thinking, What if one of those rockets went of course and blew half of the audience into meaty chunks... That might put a downer on the whole experience... The fireworks were beautiful and lasted a whole ten minutes and with a feeble finale of fire spelling out 'OOOD NGH' instead of the intended good night it was finished. We head home being warry of elderly drivers and motorbikes, luckily we got home in one piece, and I had a big ass lolly to eat. The joy. And good night to you all and even though as i'm writing this the clock is striking 11... Have a great day!

How not to pack bags...

Hello ladies and gentle men and wierd perverted stalkers of the internet who, after several disturbing emials, I am not going to take my top off for... Tonight for the first time ever (In the 3rd day of my blog) I am going to tell you about a time in my own life, excited? Good, you should be!

As you may or may not be aware I am a scout, yes I'm one of those wierd nerdy people who gets their jollies by errecting tents and tying knots, well anyway I was once at a supermarket packing bags to raise money for some or other camp that I myself WASN'T EVEN GOING ON, so heres how it started...

My dad just dropped me and my friend off for the day in the sainsburys car park, we walked inside in full uniform, silly neckerchief, uncorfortable shirt, stupid badges and everything, you should have seen the looks we got as we were going inside, I can feel the eyes of everyone under 30 burning into me, I almost hear there inner laughter as we strolled shyly into the supermarket, when we had found our leaders we were giving buckets and told to go and find a till that would actually accept us, we thought this was a joke, boy were we wrong. When we actaully found tills that would let us bag pack we settled in and enjoyed the never ending bombardment of 'No thank you, I'll pack it myself' and the odd 2p or school voucher that we OBVIOUSLY didn't need a scouts chucked into the bucket from a safe distance so they didn't have to touch us.

After about 20 consecutive no's I was getting a little bored but then came the perfect old lady who hopefully would be my first customer, I put on my sweetest voice, fluttered my eyes and said "Exuse me ma'am would you like some help packing?" you want to know her response?
"NO, I CAN PACK MYSELF IM NOT DISABLED YOU LITTLE THUG!" Yes, well, that wasn't how I expected it to go...

Next I had another old lady and her friend who was possibley even older, anyway they accepted my offer but when it came to packing they were fussier than I ever could have imagined, as I was packing I was showered with comments such as "Cheese doesn't go with the flour, THEY'RE DIFFERENT COLOURS YOU NUMB-SKULL" and "Could you please re-do this bag, I think my mushrooms rolled out of place" After spending half an hour packing one small basket of shopping she was finally satisfied, although a que of epic proportions had formed behind her.

After that was the worst off all... Another old woman, this one actually looked like an agent of satan, and yet I still had to ask. I crossed my fingers and hoped with every fiber of my being that she would say no, obviously I don't have enough fibers, she said yes. After packing everything for her without any problems I was actually beginning to think 'Wow, this isn't so bad after all' but then, almost as soon as the thought crossed my mind she shouted in her shrill, ear drum shattering voice "WHERES MY CHEESE?" "I put in with the other dairy products" I answered calmly, she ripped the bag open took a quater of a second glance into it then resumed galring at me "ITS NOT IN THERE, YOU'VE STOLEN IT HAVEN'T YOU!" Honestly, have you ever been frisked for a chunk of red liester? No, didn't think so.

Then came the a man so huge the ground shook under his mighty hoofs, and i'm not talking about good muscelly huge, I mean like blubbery, fat, hairy, smelly huge, it was disgusting, he probably had chins running all the way down to his belly button under his super tight, leave nothing to the imagination t-shirt. He was wearing shades, a ten gallon hat, a I Heart USA shirt and had bought a years supply of chocolate spray cream and canned sausages, it would be intresting to see how many dishes he could make out that lovely pair of ingrediants. The total of his shop came to £52.87. He reached into his little old fashion style, metal fastened coin purse and produced a fist full of sweat drenched notes, the woman behind the counter counted them and said in an irritated tone "Thats only £25 sir, I need £52.87..." He then made a noise like a whale being strangled, I think he was trying to speak, it sounded like this "Blub, blub, blub, Gruuuuup, Blubblef!" He then once again reached inside his purse and brought out another fist full of notes, the cashier counted again, sighed and said "Thats £50 sir, I still need another 87p" Once again he opened his pie hole and let forth a cry of "Glup, oooop, blub blub?" Thrusting another £30 pounds into the cashiers hands, taking his shopping and walking away quietly 'Blubbing' to himself, the cashier shouted "Sir, you've left £25 change, sir!" He just turned his head slightly and shouted "Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerp, BLUBBER!" and strode out of the shop.

Well, if i've taught you anything with this post, DON'T GO BAG PACKING!!!
Have a great day!

Firework night, another pointless day where I acomplished nothing

Wizz! Boom! Screams of terror... Yes its that time of year again, the one day a year when its ok to light a massive house engulfing fire in your back garden and shoot military grade rockets into the sky effectly damning the kitchen of every dog owner in a 5 mile radious to a night of chewing, destruction and lets not forget the piles of defecation. Yes I am talking ofcourse about Fire work night...

When I got home from school today the dogs had broken through the door even though we had baricaded it with the couch, she had also emptied the fridge, bins and cupboards of their contents, luckily she hadn't wrecked any other rooms she was just channeling her destructive energy into our kitchen. The floor was littered with potatoe skins and carrot peelings with occasional chunk of wood or pool of pee, it looked like there had been an air raid on an organic farm... This is only the begining for as I write the first fireworks are going off and my dogs are begining to howl it won't be long until the chairs are half way down the garden nothing more than tattered shreds, it won't be long until the living room is turned into a shit mine-field, it won't be long before the andrex advert is taken to a whole new level... Its a count down to the apocolypse...

All of this aside fireworks can be fun, I mean what better way to piss your horrible evil nieghbours then sending a bomb on a stick flying 'Accidently' into their lovley perfectly kept garden, I AM NOT saying you should do this because I'd have the fire department on my ass... Im also not saying that I do it... Erm... Moving swiftly on...

Have you ever seen an old lady chased round the garden by a catherine wheel? No you say... Well you haven't lived. Imagine yourself sitting in a small dark garden surronded by your family when all of a sudden its grannies turn to light the rocket, everyone runs for cover and puts on their protective helmet as she shuffles slowly yet surely towards the firework. The family wait with bated breath as the poor unsuspecting old dear lights the wheel and shuffles away hastily when there is a loud screeching noise as the fuse hits the gun powered and everyone realises one disturbingly funny thing... SHE FORGOT TO NAIL IT TO THE TREE. The catherine wheel bursts in to life rolling towards granny as she screams and shuffles away at her to speed 0.05 mph... After ten minutes of screaming and silent grinning someone takes granny inside to sit out the rest of the evening in peace. After she is safely out of ear shot the wild laughter begins, it shouldn't be funny, its evil, cruel, horrible and yet still side splitingly hilarious... Wow, it almost makes the other 364 days worth it...

Well I hope you've enjoyed my insight into firework night, and remember, have a great fire work night!

Susan

Well, here we are, my first rant, may people say theres no better feeling in world than having a good rant, I for one agree so for this reason and this reason alone I have decided to name my rants, I call this particular gem, Susan... Enjoy!

We've all seen them, in the park, at the beach, they're everywhere I'm talking of course about the demonic abominations, yes I am going to rant about Crocs, or is it Crocks, to be honest I don't care but I do care about your saftey so i'm going to warn you now, these things are evil.

This is how they came up with the name, imagine yourself in a dulled room where they are unvieling a lump of multi-coloured plastic in the rough shape of a shoe where around a innapropriatley large table ten people with expensive yet undeniabley boring hair cuts mutter, nod and shower it with praises, but then suddenly theres a spanner in the works, what should we name this beautiful creation? After hours of long debate they settle on the one word that represents the shoes well enough, an enormous ugly, green, mud dwelling reptile which would happily snap you up as an apertiser I am talking of course about the crocodile, but oh no that name is far to long, all the youths of today who want to buy themselves a cool hip piece of brightly coloured plastic covered in holes to wear on there feet wouldn't remember that name, we must abbreviate it, suddenly the sullen looking bald guy in the corner stops chewing his collar for a second, stands up and triumphantly yells "Crocs, these shoes shall be called crocs!" before sitting down and having a god induced heart attack for bringing a name to satans latest creation.

There is a simple warning in the name, now would you put your foot inside a crocodiles mouth, no? Why? Because the beast would just devour your foot and if your particularly unlucky (Like I ofcourse am) the rest of your body. So are you going to put your foot in a croc? Just to have it swallow and digest your limbs? I think not, hear me, my advise could well save your life. If you ever have the misfortune to be approached by a wearer of these... for lack of a better word shoes. You should slap them as hard as you can take off they're shoes, pee on them and run like the wind. Why you ask, because this will confuse the crocs and they're wearer enabling you to make a quick escape before your brainwashed into wearing some yourself.

You didn't actually think that people choose to wear them did you? No, ofcourse not your not that naive, they actually have tiny mind control divises smaller than the smallest grain of sand hidden in the soles, this makes the wearer buy more of different colours and get little knick-knacks and bricka-brack to insert into the holes to make your crocs look unique, well trust me girls im sure they'res another person in the world who put a love heart and a flower on their brand new bright pink crocs, YOUR JUST NOT THAT SPECIAL, OTHER PEOPLE DO IT TO...

Now... Don't say you haven't been warned for I have to told you everything I know, If you have any embarassing tales or stories of vicious attack by the man-eating terrors then please leave them below... And if your looking to sue me, I didn't mean the shoes I meant the erm... Goodnight folks and once again, have a great day!

Hello People

Hi, this as i'm sure your all aware due to the fact you on bloggers.com is my blog, funny eh? A blog on bloggers.com anyway, this my friends is my blog. Keep checking back every few days to see what amusing anecdotes i've posted, most of them are going to be about my life and yes I am a child, I know nothing about the stress and pressure of a nine till five job overtime and cooking for screaming unappreciative little bratts who seek to undermine you at every turn, well I do know about the last one.... for I am one. All of that aside, im going to show you what a bitch it can be to be a kid, i'm not saying that you guys don't have it hard atall but i'm going to show you all of the horrors of going to school in 'This day and age' Don't worry I won't just be ranting about school, I'll also rant about life and things that annoy me. Ofcourse my blogg would be very boring if it was all rants so I may drop the odd other thing in there, just dont count on it, anyway to all of you reading this thanks, and have a great day.