Well I had just sat down to watch a nice few episodes of family guy when I really wierd advert caught my eye which I just had to tell all of you lovely people about. We've all seen those strange adverts such as the recent 'Up your viva' advert with features two remarkabley ugly people shouting 'Up your viva' at each other down a phone... What a lovely way to spend a saturday. We've also probably all seen the sort of adverts that just want you to spend seven monthly instalments of only 19.95, yes thats only 19.95 act now and recieve your free useless gimic with a retail value of 20:95! Yes thats only 19.95! Can you believe it 19.95... ORDER NOW!
Well this advert was one of those, the first image was of a perfectly sensored naked lady rubbing her foot with a small white oval, then a deep voice boomed out above the sound of flesh being scraped from bone and said "Order your foot gratter today!" Yes, this device was an oval cheese gratter to be used on your feet. Finally something for the man that doesn't wash and whos shoe size has increased by 5 due to all of the cheese stuck to his foot! I can't belive they didn't think of it sooner! If I order it now I can recieve a free arm aputation kit! And its only 1999.95 plus 2134.89 postage and packing and a completely volentary 65.11 tip! So I got up walked over to the phone to order the miracle that I could use to harvest edible substanced from the soles of my feet and the lady on the other end said in her haggard, obviously tired of life voice "Hello, this is the dry skin remover egg hotline, how may I help you?" I was wondering what this dry skin remover was, but I had to act fast while stocks last so I cut to the chase and asked the lady if she had any foot cheese removers left, she said there was no such thing so I explained the advert to her and she told me that it was used to get old dry skin from your feet, not delicous cheese... So I slammed down the phone in outrage, damn false advertising...
If you've seen any stupid adverts on tv, the radio, websites, on the sides of buses or in a game please leave a comment, and as always, Have a great day!
Showing posts with label Turnipfish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Turnipfish. Show all posts
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Saturday, 7 November 2009
The Civic Bonfire
Tonight I have been to a Civic Bonfire, now does anyone know what makes it Civic? I don't either... Anway first we arrived there and had to park about five miles down the road, we got out the car and walked down the road there was a man on a motorbike coming down the road, nothing unusual about it he wasn't speeding or anything then this old lady pulled right in front of him and the man slammed into the side of her car, he went flying and landed with a crunch, my mum screamed 'OH MY GOD' at the top of her lungs and the mans bike skidded across the road breaking into little pieces as it went, then man lay there for a few seconds then I saw his arm to twitch and heard him say 'Son of a bitch...' Thank god, he was alive. The old lady stepped out of her car and pottered over to the man who had just stood up she said in her tiny old frail voice "Are you alright duck?" she spoke like she had trodden on his toe not slammed him with her people carrier... He shouted "Alright! Alright? I'm lucky i'm alive!" he looked like he was going to headbut her, but sadly he didn't, wow that sounded cruel I didn't mean it to come out like that, anyway in a state of shock me and family moved on so we wouldn't miss the fireworks.
Fat chance of that happening we got to the bonfire and the actual fire wasn't even lit yet, there was just a big stack of industrial pallets with a stuffed guy on top, we sat for 45 minutes in the freezing cold while a gang of drunk twelve year olds stood next to us swore and passed fags around... Oh the joys of our area... Then a obviously intoxicated girl staggered over to me and asked if she could take a picture with me, naturally I was flattered but she did look somewhat like road kill so I politely declined... Then the fire was lit, it went up like nothing I'd ever seen, the whole thing a towering inferno in seconds, the heat was so intencely blistering we all had to run backwards clutching out faces because of they were being melted clean off. After another half an hour the fire started to die down and we were all rubbing our sore red faces.
It was now an hour since we had arrived and we had already seen a car crash and a bonfire come and go and yet no fireworks, I was starting to get impatient, I stood rubbing my hands together for warmth as more stoned, smashes and stupid teenagers fell over and slammed up against me. Then over the awful music (Featuring such crap as Amorillo, Barbie Girl, The Final Countdown, Simply The Best, Poker Face and of course The Makerena) came the announcment, "Now theres only ONE MORE HOUR until the fireworks begin" a wave of moans swept through the crowd through the cold, the hammered, the young, the old, the burn't and the suicidal...
After another hour of intence boredom and sever frost related numbness in all my limbs the intercom sounded again over the horrendous tunes and this time it said "Due to a change in wing direction I need you to all move east-wards" No one knew which way east was and it took another thirty minutes to herd all the idiots that way, then, finally the fireworks began, they came thick and fast, loud and colourful. They exploded in dozens and trios and in there hundreds. They screeched and twirled and boomed in a lovley display of colours and smoke. Through out the display I couldn't help thinking, What if one of those rockets went of course and blew half of the audience into meaty chunks... That might put a downer on the whole experience... The fireworks were beautiful and lasted a whole ten minutes and with a feeble finale of fire spelling out 'OOOD NGH' instead of the intended good night it was finished. We head home being warry of elderly drivers and motorbikes, luckily we got home in one piece, and I had a big ass lolly to eat. The joy. And good night to you all and even though as i'm writing this the clock is striking 11... Have a great day!
Fat chance of that happening we got to the bonfire and the actual fire wasn't even lit yet, there was just a big stack of industrial pallets with a stuffed guy on top, we sat for 45 minutes in the freezing cold while a gang of drunk twelve year olds stood next to us swore and passed fags around... Oh the joys of our area... Then a obviously intoxicated girl staggered over to me and asked if she could take a picture with me, naturally I was flattered but she did look somewhat like road kill so I politely declined... Then the fire was lit, it went up like nothing I'd ever seen, the whole thing a towering inferno in seconds, the heat was so intencely blistering we all had to run backwards clutching out faces because of they were being melted clean off. After another half an hour the fire started to die down and we were all rubbing our sore red faces.
It was now an hour since we had arrived and we had already seen a car crash and a bonfire come and go and yet no fireworks, I was starting to get impatient, I stood rubbing my hands together for warmth as more stoned, smashes and stupid teenagers fell over and slammed up against me. Then over the awful music (Featuring such crap as Amorillo, Barbie Girl, The Final Countdown, Simply The Best, Poker Face and of course The Makerena) came the announcment, "Now theres only ONE MORE HOUR until the fireworks begin" a wave of moans swept through the crowd through the cold, the hammered, the young, the old, the burn't and the suicidal...
After another hour of intence boredom and sever frost related numbness in all my limbs the intercom sounded again over the horrendous tunes and this time it said "Due to a change in wing direction I need you to all move east-wards" No one knew which way east was and it took another thirty minutes to herd all the idiots that way, then, finally the fireworks began, they came thick and fast, loud and colourful. They exploded in dozens and trios and in there hundreds. They screeched and twirled and boomed in a lovley display of colours and smoke. Through out the display I couldn't help thinking, What if one of those rockets went of course and blew half of the audience into meaty chunks... That might put a downer on the whole experience... The fireworks were beautiful and lasted a whole ten minutes and with a feeble finale of fire spelling out 'OOOD NGH' instead of the intended good night it was finished. We head home being warry of elderly drivers and motorbikes, luckily we got home in one piece, and I had a big ass lolly to eat. The joy. And good night to you all and even though as i'm writing this the clock is striking 11... Have a great day!
Friday, 6 November 2009
How not to pack bags...
Hello ladies and gentle men and wierd perverted stalkers of the internet who, after several disturbing emials, I am not going to take my top off for... Tonight for the first time ever (In the 3rd day of my blog) I am going to tell you about a time in my own life, excited? Good, you should be!
As you may or may not be aware I am a scout, yes I'm one of those wierd nerdy people who gets their jollies by errecting tents and tying knots, well anyway I was once at a supermarket packing bags to raise money for some or other camp that I myself WASN'T EVEN GOING ON, so heres how it started...
My dad just dropped me and my friend off for the day in the sainsburys car park, we walked inside in full uniform, silly neckerchief, uncorfortable shirt, stupid badges and everything, you should have seen the looks we got as we were going inside, I can feel the eyes of everyone under 30 burning into me, I almost hear there inner laughter as we strolled shyly into the supermarket, when we had found our leaders we were giving buckets and told to go and find a till that would actually accept us, we thought this was a joke, boy were we wrong. When we actaully found tills that would let us bag pack we settled in and enjoyed the never ending bombardment of 'No thank you, I'll pack it myself' and the odd 2p or school voucher that we OBVIOUSLY didn't need a scouts chucked into the bucket from a safe distance so they didn't have to touch us.
After about 20 consecutive no's I was getting a little bored but then came the perfect old lady who hopefully would be my first customer, I put on my sweetest voice, fluttered my eyes and said "Exuse me ma'am would you like some help packing?" you want to know her response?
"NO, I CAN PACK MYSELF IM NOT DISABLED YOU LITTLE THUG!" Yes, well, that wasn't how I expected it to go...
Next I had another old lady and her friend who was possibley even older, anyway they accepted my offer but when it came to packing they were fussier than I ever could have imagined, as I was packing I was showered with comments such as "Cheese doesn't go with the flour, THEY'RE DIFFERENT COLOURS YOU NUMB-SKULL" and "Could you please re-do this bag, I think my mushrooms rolled out of place" After spending half an hour packing one small basket of shopping she was finally satisfied, although a que of epic proportions had formed behind her.
After that was the worst off all... Another old woman, this one actually looked like an agent of satan, and yet I still had to ask. I crossed my fingers and hoped with every fiber of my being that she would say no, obviously I don't have enough fibers, she said yes. After packing everything for her without any problems I was actually beginning to think 'Wow, this isn't so bad after all' but then, almost as soon as the thought crossed my mind she shouted in her shrill, ear drum shattering voice "WHERES MY CHEESE?" "I put in with the other dairy products" I answered calmly, she ripped the bag open took a quater of a second glance into it then resumed galring at me "ITS NOT IN THERE, YOU'VE STOLEN IT HAVEN'T YOU!" Honestly, have you ever been frisked for a chunk of red liester? No, didn't think so.
Then came the a man so huge the ground shook under his mighty hoofs, and i'm not talking about good muscelly huge, I mean like blubbery, fat, hairy, smelly huge, it was disgusting, he probably had chins running all the way down to his belly button under his super tight, leave nothing to the imagination t-shirt. He was wearing shades, a ten gallon hat, a I Heart USA shirt and had bought a years supply of chocolate spray cream and canned sausages, it would be intresting to see how many dishes he could make out that lovely pair of ingrediants. The total of his shop came to £52.87. He reached into his little old fashion style, metal fastened coin purse and produced a fist full of sweat drenched notes, the woman behind the counter counted them and said in an irritated tone "Thats only £25 sir, I need £52.87..." He then made a noise like a whale being strangled, I think he was trying to speak, it sounded like this "Blub, blub, blub, Gruuuuup, Blubblef!" He then once again reached inside his purse and brought out another fist full of notes, the cashier counted again, sighed and said "Thats £50 sir, I still need another 87p" Once again he opened his pie hole and let forth a cry of "Glup, oooop, blub blub?" Thrusting another £30 pounds into the cashiers hands, taking his shopping and walking away quietly 'Blubbing' to himself, the cashier shouted "Sir, you've left £25 change, sir!" He just turned his head slightly and shouted "Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerp, BLUBBER!" and strode out of the shop.
Well, if i've taught you anything with this post, DON'T GO BAG PACKING!!!
Have a great day!
As you may or may not be aware I am a scout, yes I'm one of those wierd nerdy people who gets their jollies by errecting tents and tying knots, well anyway I was once at a supermarket packing bags to raise money for some or other camp that I myself WASN'T EVEN GOING ON, so heres how it started...
My dad just dropped me and my friend off for the day in the sainsburys car park, we walked inside in full uniform, silly neckerchief, uncorfortable shirt, stupid badges and everything, you should have seen the looks we got as we were going inside, I can feel the eyes of everyone under 30 burning into me, I almost hear there inner laughter as we strolled shyly into the supermarket, when we had found our leaders we were giving buckets and told to go and find a till that would actually accept us, we thought this was a joke, boy were we wrong. When we actaully found tills that would let us bag pack we settled in and enjoyed the never ending bombardment of 'No thank you, I'll pack it myself' and the odd 2p or school voucher that we OBVIOUSLY didn't need a scouts chucked into the bucket from a safe distance so they didn't have to touch us.
After about 20 consecutive no's I was getting a little bored but then came the perfect old lady who hopefully would be my first customer, I put on my sweetest voice, fluttered my eyes and said "Exuse me ma'am would you like some help packing?" you want to know her response?
"NO, I CAN PACK MYSELF IM NOT DISABLED YOU LITTLE THUG!" Yes, well, that wasn't how I expected it to go...
Next I had another old lady and her friend who was possibley even older, anyway they accepted my offer but when it came to packing they were fussier than I ever could have imagined, as I was packing I was showered with comments such as "Cheese doesn't go with the flour, THEY'RE DIFFERENT COLOURS YOU NUMB-SKULL" and "Could you please re-do this bag, I think my mushrooms rolled out of place" After spending half an hour packing one small basket of shopping she was finally satisfied, although a que of epic proportions had formed behind her.
After that was the worst off all... Another old woman, this one actually looked like an agent of satan, and yet I still had to ask. I crossed my fingers and hoped with every fiber of my being that she would say no, obviously I don't have enough fibers, she said yes. After packing everything for her without any problems I was actually beginning to think 'Wow, this isn't so bad after all' but then, almost as soon as the thought crossed my mind she shouted in her shrill, ear drum shattering voice "WHERES MY CHEESE?" "I put in with the other dairy products" I answered calmly, she ripped the bag open took a quater of a second glance into it then resumed galring at me "ITS NOT IN THERE, YOU'VE STOLEN IT HAVEN'T YOU!" Honestly, have you ever been frisked for a chunk of red liester? No, didn't think so.
Then came the a man so huge the ground shook under his mighty hoofs, and i'm not talking about good muscelly huge, I mean like blubbery, fat, hairy, smelly huge, it was disgusting, he probably had chins running all the way down to his belly button under his super tight, leave nothing to the imagination t-shirt. He was wearing shades, a ten gallon hat, a I Heart USA shirt and had bought a years supply of chocolate spray cream and canned sausages, it would be intresting to see how many dishes he could make out that lovely pair of ingrediants. The total of his shop came to £52.87. He reached into his little old fashion style, metal fastened coin purse and produced a fist full of sweat drenched notes, the woman behind the counter counted them and said in an irritated tone "Thats only £25 sir, I need £52.87..." He then made a noise like a whale being strangled, I think he was trying to speak, it sounded like this "Blub, blub, blub, Gruuuuup, Blubblef!" He then once again reached inside his purse and brought out another fist full of notes, the cashier counted again, sighed and said "Thats £50 sir, I still need another 87p" Once again he opened his pie hole and let forth a cry of "Glup, oooop, blub blub?" Thrusting another £30 pounds into the cashiers hands, taking his shopping and walking away quietly 'Blubbing' to himself, the cashier shouted "Sir, you've left £25 change, sir!" He just turned his head slightly and shouted "Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerp, BLUBBER!" and strode out of the shop.
Well, if i've taught you anything with this post, DON'T GO BAG PACKING!!!
Have a great day!
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Hello People
Hi, this as i'm sure your all aware due to the fact you on bloggers.com is my blog, funny eh? A blog on bloggers.com anyway, this my friends is my blog. Keep checking back every few days to see what amusing anecdotes i've posted, most of them are going to be about my life and yes I am a child, I know nothing about the stress and pressure of a nine till five job overtime and cooking for screaming unappreciative little bratts who seek to undermine you at every turn, well I do know about the last one.... for I am one. All of that aside, im going to show you what a bitch it can be to be a kid, i'm not saying that you guys don't have it hard atall but i'm going to show you all of the horrors of going to school in 'This day and age' Don't worry I won't just be ranting about school, I'll also rant about life and things that annoy me. Ofcourse my blogg would be very boring if it was all rants so I may drop the odd other thing in there, just dont count on it, anyway to all of you reading this thanks, and have a great day.
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